Thank you… “my friends”

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the e-mail about rat crap in the glue on envelopes. Now, I use a wet towel to moisten every envelope I need to seal. And, for the same reason, I scrub the top of every can I open.

I no longer have any savings because I sent it to a sick girl (Penny Brown), who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. As a matter of fact, I have no money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I don’t drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper, either, since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘under God’ on their cans.

I stopped eating at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I can’t enjoy a good latte from Starbucks because they would not send any coffee to that poor Army sergeant who requested it. And, I don’t waste my money on expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus because I now have their recipe.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I’ve learned that my prayers get answered only if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. However, I don’t have to worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

When I go to the gas station, I make sure to take a man along to watch the car while I’m at the pump so a serial killer won’t crawl into my back seat. I avoid shopping malls, because the girl who sprays perfume samples may, in fact, be drugging me in order to rob me. I won’t shop at Target because they’re French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I know better than to use Saran Wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know that I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it could blow up in my face . . disfiguring me for life.

Thanks to you, my friends, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine, because a big, brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. On the other hand, I no longer worry about sudden cardiac arrest, since I can now cough myself back to life instead of wasting time calling 911.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5 o’clock this afternoon, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician, who is a lawyer.”

Have a wonderful day. And . . . you’re welcome!

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